in the head

‘It’s difficult to talk about this because it’s kind of horrible I spose. But the truth, since you asked, is that I do spend a lot of time thinking about how I would have sex with someone if they tried to rape me. You’ve got to haven’t you? So many sex offenders about. One’s just turned up in my area, a serial rapist, so I think about it. I ask myself, what would you do if he got you? Would I try to enjoy the sex, to sort of seduce him, you know, make love with him as if I really did love him or at least fancy him so that I could then gain control and perhaps limit the violence. If he didn’t feel threatened I’d be able to avoid a kind of attack. It would just be sex down some alleyway or in my back garden or his car or something, but it wouldn’t be worse than that. When I was younger, I had sex outdoors all the time so I think I could put up with that. What I wouldn’t like would be the violence, the feeling that he was making me do something I didn’t want to do with the threat of violence. Which is why I’d try to take control. Show him who’s boss if you like. I think it could work, maybe don’t you? And because of this serial rapist round the corner, well, I think about it all the time. Or a lot of the time. And I’ve found myself looking at other women when I’m down the market or on the bus and wondering how many of them are also thinking about making love to a serial rapist. Are we all making love to him at the same time? Has my position ever coincided with that old blonde woman who works at Boots? Makes you look at things a different way, doesn’t it. We’re all perverts. Something like that. And sometimes it does get a bit perverted. I mean, I think about what his tongue would feel like against mine, or whether I’d have to lick his nipples. Not that those are perverted things to do but I do feel guilty for thinking that far about something that hasn’t even happened. Does it mean that I really want to be raped? I don’t think so. I mean I think it’s about self-defence. If he wanted me to tickle his balls I probably would if it meant he wouldn’t kill me or stab me. But even that’s a funny thought because you can’t imagine a man who wants to rape a woman being prepared to admit that he likes his balls tickled. It makes me giggle that. And I can see you’ve got a bit of a smile now I’ve said it. Perhaps this one prefers his toes being sucked.I spose you wouldn’t know til it happened. And then it might depend what mood he was in. I mean, we don’t always want the same thing do we?

‘I don’t know… I mean, we have to be realistic don’t we? We can’t just hope it’ll never happen to us or buy a rape alarm or think that we’ll have a sudden strength to kick him and run away. It doesn’t happen that way. No, you’ve got to think about beating them at their own game. Seducing them. But I’m not saying I don’t feel bad about all this. My mum keeps asking me if I’ve got any mace in the house. She’d kill me if she heard what I’ve told you.’

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