Monthly Archives: December 2008


The neighbour’s cat masturbates behind me. Trembling fluffy white legs, quivering tail, its front paws kneading the blanket beneath which my mother-in-law slept for six nights of Christmas. Previously, I’ve tried distracting it, stroking its head or mewing at it … Continue reading

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bs johnson

… he was also the victim of his own dogmas, the most tendentious of which was his belief that ‘telling stories is telling lies’, so that novelists should in effect confine themselves to providing accurate recreations of their own personal … Continue reading

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over the fire

I managed to grab a shovel quickly, which I lifted high above my head before letting it drop back down, pushing with all the force my arms and back could offer, and sliced it into the top of beetle’s head. … Continue reading

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Africa’s salvation?

“Duncan Clarke is quite right: thanks to impressive oil deposits there exists today “an Afrique utile”. African oil comprises 12.5 per cent of global output – significantly less than the Middle East’s 30 per cent – but a glance at … Continue reading

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An obsession with the activity of the Local Gym followed me to Mother Goose at the Hackney Empire on Saturday, accompanied by my entire family (two parents, two siblings, two in-laws, six nephews and nieces). Uncle Bonkers referenced Jeremy Kyle … Continue reading

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here all along

‘So there are these two Irish blokes, Paddy and Murphy. And they’re in the jungle. And they see a crocodile with a man’s head sticking out of its mouth. And Paddy says to Murphy, So who’s the flash bastard in … Continue reading

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